(non)Smoking.

Today would have been a great morning to sit with a cup of coffee and a cigarette. We are out on the lake…temperatures are fairly cool, sunrise is beautiful, water is calm…

So, yeah. Sit on the shore with my coffee and cigarette.

Problem is—I quit smoking about a year and half ago.

But, damn, do I crave it. I know, I know. It’s better for me. It’s healthier. It doesn’t stink. It causes cancer. My kids hate it. Blah. Blah. Blah. I know all these things. Thing is, though, I wouldn’t have started (and kept) smoking if it didn’t benefit me in some way.

And it did! I was calmer and more relaxed. Not as anxious. I had a built in excuse to walk away from crowds of people. It was like my own little “do not approach” sign.

So now what do I do? How do I get those benefits back? How do I avoid awkward conversations when I’m an (essentially) non-assertive person? How do I manage this constant low-level anxiety?

I (mostly) don’t regret quitting. I just…miss it.