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anxiety, mental health


Today would have been a great morning to sit with a cup of coffee and a cigarette. We are out on the lake…temperatures are fairly cool, sunrise is beautiful, water is calm…

No one awake but me.

So, yeah. Sit on the shore with my coffee and cigarette.

Problem is—I quit smoking about a year and half ago.

But, damn, do I crave it. I know, I know. It’s better for me. It’s healthier. It doesn’t stink. It causes cancer. My kids hate it. Blah. Blah. Blah. I know all these things. Thing is, though, I wouldn’t have started (and kept) smoking if it didn’t benefit me in some way.

And it did! I was calmer and more relaxed. Not as anxious. I had a built in excuse to walk away from crowds of people. It was like my own little “do not approach” sign.

So now what do I do? How do I get those benefits back? How do I avoid awkward conversations when I’m an (essentially) non-assertive person? How do I manage this constant low-level anxiety?

I (mostly) don’t regret quitting. I just…miss it.


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